Devyn at one of our Forsyth hammock sessions.
Before I moved down to Savannah, I was given several heads ups and a lot of advice about a plethora of dilemmas I might encounter during my first year living away from home. I was told that having a roommate would suck at first, and was given advice what to do if my roommate and I ended up hating each other (we didn't). I was told about how hard finals week would be and to start studying at least two weeks in advance unless I wanted to make a C grade at best (it wasn't; I didn't; I made A's and B's). I was told that all my free time would be consumed by homework assignments and it would be way more work than high school (it's not...yet). I got plenty of advice on just about everything that is not a concern for me. My grades were pretty good, and my classes this past year weren't super hard (at least not any more so than my AP high school classes). I did have a fair amount of free time, which I loved. It usually was filled with unplanned trips to Tybee Island Beach for some fresh air and warm sun or to Forsyth Park for a hammock session. I had minimal personal problems with my roommate(s). In fact, I really like them. Not a big issue. However, two of them have left SCAD by the end of the school year for unrelated reasons, so then it was just myself and Olivia. That's where my first real problem came up. A problem that I didn't anticipate, and a problem that nobody warned me about. I really didn't have friends there. Why did nobody tell me it would be so difficult to make friends?
Okay, wait, please don't get the wrong idea. I was friendly with people in my classes. I knew the names of some of the students that I frequently sat next to. I talked to my classmates during the breaks, and I even had a few of their phone numbers in my phone. I had no problem making class companions, but that's not what I mean when I say "friends". I mean friends as in people who I go get dinner with at one of the dining halls. People that I ask to go to the SCAD coffee shop to do homework. Someone who comes to the beach with me or tries a new club with. Someone who will save up for a few weeks with me just to go to a new restaurant for a treat. (Of course, Olivia is all of these things, and we get along so well! But she would have been my roommate this coming year and was this past year, so I'm going to exclude her from this because she's been my friend since before school even started and will probably be for a long time to come as well.) I seriously didn't make any friends that I felt remotely close to. Or any new what-I-would-consider-to-be friends at all, for that matter. This may come as a surprise to some of you if you know me personally; not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm pretty easy to get along with. That's why I surprised myself when I realized that I really hadn't made any new friends after coming back to school post-spring break. Why was this such a struggle for me? I started thinking...
Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.
Let's get one thing straight: I know how to make people like me. I've learned this skill from a combination of personal experience, psychology class, and The Office's very own Andy Bernard. (Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake.) But really, it's easy to make people like you. Smiling, intent listening and engagement, asking questions and showing interest can go a very long way. But if I'm being completely honest, I hate this stage of making friends. The smalltalk stage. Friendships have to start somewhere and the most common advice I've heard over the years on starting new friendships is just to strike up a conversation. This method of making friends sucks for introverts. I hate small talk. This probably will sound kinda rude and I'm even a little disappointed in myself for being this way, but I simply could not care less about those first few topics of discussion: I don't care about how your dog got its name and I don't care that your 3D Design teacher is crazy and I don't care that you had a great aunt that participated in the Olympics. As interesting as these things might be to some people, these aren't things that I can ever see myself being interested in hearing about. But... you'd never know that. I'm great at acting like I really care because I know that people really appreciate a good listener and someone who will make them feel validated. I think this listening skill is part of the reason that I've become a confidant to so many of my friends over the past several years. But really, it's hard for me to sincerely care most of the time. And it sounds so bad when I put it into writing like this.
I don't want it to seem like I'm being totally inconsiderate or anything. I sincerely do love the look on someone's face when they begin speaking about something that they're really passionate about. The way that their eyes light up and their voice carries so much enthusiasm. That's the best. People don't get to do that nearly enough, so I like to let people talk when they get into that mode. But sometimes, it's hard to actually care what they're talking about. For one thing, this is just a huge introvert characteristic and I am a huge introvert (88% introverted according to the IPIP-NEO personality test). We hate small talk. I'd rather talk about important stuff. Not to be one of those "I wanna talk about the universe and philosophy" kind of girls who thinks she's really deep, but you know what I mean. I just get bored.
Me on my escape into the bathroom so to not have to socialize during the last 15 minutes of class
So here's my dilemma. When meeting new people I tend to put myself in this situation of coming off as a person that people generally like but they can't really put their finger on the reason why. (It's because I listen intently, which not nearly enough people do. And I feel like I have bragging rights about this quality of mine because it took a LOT of time and willpower to make myself a good listener.) So they really like me, but they have this idea of who I am because of what I come off as, and that's not really who I am. I also kind of set myself up for disappointment because I really like when people ask questions back to kinda balance out the conversation, but when they only talk about themselves, even if it's prompted by me, I just get bored. I'm showing all this interest in something that I'm uninterested in, I'm bored listening to someone else talk the whole time and sitting there feeling like the conversation is one-sided, and I'm giving this person a false idea of what I'm really like as a friend. When this person and I get on the next level of friendship and I begin to show less interest in them and more interest in topics that I have a genuine interest in, that's when I feel like things will go downhill. I don't want people to think I'm rude, or a bad friend. I just am SO INTROVERTED and it shows when I talk about the weather vs when I talk about my favorite movie. One of the topics is spoken about with a lot more enthusiasm.
Am I overthinking this??? Am I inconsiderate? Is this just what adult friendships are? I'm friendly with so many people, but that's so different from being real friends with someone that you're comfortable with. Someone who is easy to be around and with whom you can be yourself. Is that too much to ask!? Are my expectations too high? Am I just not going to find friends who share similar interests to me and who I don't have to talk about family traditions with?
Back home, I have a lot of people that I can be myself around simply because there is less social pressure. I think that part of this is just a freshman year thing. We're all so concerned about not looking stupid.
Usually, I end blog posts like this with some sort of conclusion about the lesson I learned and some advice to anyone going through a similar situation. But this time, I'm the person who needs the advice. I haven't figured this one out yet, and I'm feeling kind of pathetic for making something that should be so easy into such a challenge. I guess all I can say for now is that I'll just keep being friendly with people as I always am, but also try to be more real with people. Balance it somewhere in the middle. We'll see how this goes.