In 1964, psychologist Eric Berne published a book titled Games People Play. In this book, Berne introduces a term called "transactional analysis." Put into simple terms, transactional analysis is a psychoanalytic theory (and method of therapy) that describes the way that people interact with each other. This theory describes the roles that people take on one while they interact with each other. People will generally take on one of three ego states: the adult, the parent, or the child. What position each person is in determines their behaviors and words, as well as the "game" they are playing. I'll give some examples to put this into context, but first, some background.
It ended up being fine like my mom said it would be.
SCAD sucks at pleasing everyone during class registration for upcoming quarters. Last quarter, I had one of the latest registration times on the last day of registration. Because of this, I didn't get the classes I wanted and instead was put into two design classes (3D design and color theory) and a psychology class. I was pretty pissed that I was unable to get into a film class (and by pissed I mean absolutely frantic, in a constant state of panic and tears for 12 hours, coming to the conclusion that I'd have to drop out because I'd never get the classes I need to graduate and keep getting stuck in random electives like psychology) and so I got placed in Psych 101 to fill my schedule with something. Luckily it counted as a general elective, and luckily I really enjoy studying psychology. Eric Berne and his theory of transactional analysis is something we learned about a few weeks ago, and already, I have experienced multiple real-life events in which Berne's observations of human behavior have come into play.
That being said, knowing about Eric Berne and his research has already been very beneficial. I'm now able to identify what's happening in these moments of transactional analysis. As we all know, identifying a problem is the first step towards solving it. Hopefully, anyone reading this will find it helpful as well.
Child vs. Parent
Back to last quarter when I had my all day anxiety attack about picking classes and not getting the ones that I thought I needed to get into (right now immediately). I was on the phone with my mom multiple times that day, seeking for her (or anyone) to just validate my frustration and tell me that they were irritated with the stupid registration system too. But, validation is not what she gave me. Instead, she gave me advice, suggestions, and reassurance that it would all work out. Looking back, this seems like a really good response! Offering advice on what to do as well as trying to make me understand that delaying my intro level film class by just one more quarter wouldn't cause me to have to drop out was a good response to my complaints and obnoxious anxiety level. However, it wasn't what I was (subconsciously) seeking. I just wanted someone to get angry at the stupid way we register for classes here, and I wanted someone to say how shitty it was that I was going to have to wait (again) to get the classes I wanted.
In this situation, my complaints and perceived helplessness pushed my mom into the ego state of the parent (not just because she's my mom) and her reaction to my complaints pushed me into the role of the child (and not just because I'm her daughter).
People are pushed into these roles all the time in ordinary conversation. In the case of this scenario, my mom heard my problems and how helpless I sounded (characteristics of a child- needing help, complaining, having meltdowns, etc.) and she subconsciously moved into the parent role (as most people would, even if they are not a parent) and began trying to help me solve the problem. Unfortunately, most children are not mature enough to see that there are logical answers to problems and ways to solve them without having a meltdown, and neither was I at that moment. What I was really seeking was validation of my feelings.
This was a pretty standard situation displaying the roles of the child and parent. Yet this is not always how these kinds of interactions play out. Occasionally, the child ego will manifest not as helplessness, but instead as socially unacceptable behavior or overly obnoxious and inappropriate words or actions. This kind of childlike behavior would pull out another side of the parent role as well; instead of a nurturing parent role that wants to help, the parent role in this situation would be critical and bossy.
Eighth grade at a baseball game in the rain.
Parent Since Childhood
When I was in middle school, I was often told by adults how mature I was for my age. This was clearly visible when I was out with large groups of friends. I distinctly remember how stressed I'd get before going to the mall with my friends (a common excursion for our large group of twelve-year-olds). I hated going not only because of my introverted nature, but also because of how unbelievably embarrassing a lot of them would be. They'd run around in stores, hide in clothing racks, and laugh uncontrollably at each other's immature stunts, attracting the attention of not only nearby shoppers, but also of the store employees. When they realized they had caught the eye of the clerks, they'd often giggle and whisper amongst themselves and then scurry out of the store. This was always so frustrating to me. I would constantly be the one telling them to stop being so loud, stop being so rude, stop getting in peoples way, put that back down where you found it, stop pushing each other... a dialogue that I'm sure real parents are all too familiar with while shopping with their kids. That was me with my friend group. And they didn't like being told what to do by me, just like kids don't like being told what to do by their parents. In this case, though, it was even more annoying to them, because I just came off as a bossy friend who realistically had no authority over them. That's probably why I stopped getting invited to the mall trips. And birthday parties. And trips to the Dells. It's fine. I'm over it.
Getting to the Adult Ego State
Sometimes, these egos go head to head in child-child interactions or parent-parent interactions. This isn't a bad thing though– this is how issues begin to get resolved. A hypothetical example: I was supposed to do a bunch of homework on a Sunday night I didn't get it done. My mom would likely say something along the lines of "you were supposed to do all this homework over the weekend! You're so lazy and irresponsible!" (not really, this is just hypothetical) This would put her in the critical parent position despite the fact that this was never really her concern. That would likely make me frustrated, and I would also move into the parent position, coming back at her with "You don't need to be so critical of me. I have time tonight to do it, and even if I don't, that's not your concern." In theory, she'd then realize that it wasn't really her place and apologize, moving into the mature and logical adult ego. I would then follow.
Mind Games
There are several common "mind games" identified by Berne that people play while taking on these ego states. Berne's idea behind identifying these common interactions as games it to be able to declare a "winner"– the person who reaches the adult state first. These games define several possible scenarios that people play out while stuck in a particular ego state.
The most prevalent mind game in my life is the "Why Don't You– Yes, But" game. This sort of game occurs when someone comes to you complaining about a certain problem they're having (placing them in the helpless child ego state) and you feel as if you have solutions or advice to offer (placing you in the parent ego state) They then have a reason as to why every single one of your solutions is flawed. This can be incredibly frustrating as the 'parent' because it seems that all the child wants is pity rather than not real solutions. It seems to you that this person wants to be miserable and not take any responsibility to solve the issue at hand. This also happens to be something that I deal with a lot in college as my peers learn that being independent can suck but it's gonna have to happen eventually. At some point, you gotta leave the nest.
College is a funny thing. Growing up, I was always told that cliques and exclusive friend groups would dissolve, people would be more mature, and I wouldn't have to deal with a stupid social pyramid. While it's true that I personally can choose to avoid these things, they still very much do exist in college. My interactions with emotionally immature people have led me into the parent role time and time again, each time more frustrating than the last. However, psychology class has taught me to be able to recognize when these games are being played. In recognizing the game, hopefully I'll be able to end it. And that's what college is all about, right? Learning how to be an adult? I think I'm on my way.