existential crisis #487

Let's Start with an Update

As of now, I have successfully completed two quarters of college (six courses). I'm enrolled in three more classes this spring quarter that I'm just getting settled into. I'm in an intro level photography class, an art history class, and a public speaking/communications class. I like them all thus far. Pretty easy stuff.

Me and my roommate's brother Sam and my roommate Olivia.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I do yoga at the school's gym with a local yoga teacher named Melissa. She's awesome. I am working on getting into a routine of going to the gym on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings (but I'm sure you all know too well that waking up early voluntarily is difficult.) My consciousness and sanity now depends on caffeine (which is not good, I know, and I'm working on it) and the amount of fresh fruit that I eat is way too low for my liking. 

Nothing is going the way I thought it would, but nothing is going poorly. 

Last week was my spring break. I flew back to Madison after an agonizingly slow TWO weeks of finals (at art school we have projects, not tests, and they're typically assigned 2-3 weeks before the quarter ends). I made it home and got straight into bed. I had waited ten weeks for the feeling of home to come back to me again- and it didn't come. Needless to say, when I didn't immediately feel relieved of all stress and discomfort that I had gotten to know too well upon my return home, I freaked out a little bit. It turned out that being home was kind of a slap in the face of what life was like before college: working and working and getting asked to work more and trying to balance all of that (much needed) clocked-in time with personal time to maintain my mental state. It was also a wake-up call for what life might look like after college: a day in and day out workday, being exhausted when I get home and having no energy to even watch that movie I planned to watched or cook dinner or see friends I'd made a promise to see. This feeling that I got instead of relief was one that felt like trapdoors opening, dropping me into the next existential crisis like the many before.

Me and Joey loving the fact that we're still little enough to sit on grandpa's lap.

Grown Up

I've struggled with the idea of growing up for a long, long time. This is why I hated hearing how mature I was as a child. I didn't want to be seen as an adult and I certainly did not want to sit at the adult table. I didn't want to have responsibilities and I didn't want to experience the loss of imagination that seemed to come with growing up. For most of my childhood, I saw college students as "grown-ups" and thought that they must have everything figured out. As I approached the age at which college typically becomes an ordinary topic of discussion in classes, I started to panic. I was SO far from having everything figured out. I hadn't even figured out who I was. How the hell was I supposed to figure out what my entire life was going to look like?! 

I was so confused, and the people who were meant to help me answer my questions typically just caused me to feel even more uncertainty. Some adults would say that it's important to have an idea of what you wanted to do, and some stressed that you didn't have to know what career you wanted to have until junior year of college. Some would say that picking a college was a big deal, and some would say that if I couldn't get into my dream school that was okay because I could always just transfer. Half of my teachers were so concerned with ACT scores and GPAs for college admission, and the other half asked what these numbers would matter in 25 years. I was constantly being pulled by both wrists in opposite directions. It was like my brain was being pulled apart. It was the constant feeling of being torn and the accumulation of all the stress that comes with planning one's future that made me decide (as a sophomore in high school) that I did not want to go to college. (As I've previously mentioned, I hated school in 10th grade; I also decided against college because the thought of going through the routine for 4 more years was excruciating.) 

And then... everything changed. It was the 21st of March, 2016. My family was driving down to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break, but due to the long road trip, we made day-long stops in Nashville and Savannah to break up the drive and get some rest. My mom was especially excited to explore the historic district of Savannah, Georgia, so she dragged me out of bed at around 7 am (an unacceptable hour to be woken up on spring break for anything other than a flight) to go explore. We walked on the cobblestone streets and ducked under the Spanish moss that draped off of the hundred-year-old oak trees. A few minutes after the clock tower of the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist struck 8:00, we happened across a giant red brick building covered in scaffolding. A woman was cleaning the tall glass doors that were still closed, but my mom approached anyway. It was the SCAD admissions building. We went in, we toured, we fell in love. I applied, I got in, and I went. And here I am.

Savannah, March 2016. Filling out the first step of the rolling application to SCAD.

Indecisive

It wasn't that smooth though. I also got to Eau Claire and Loyola Chicago (both for social work). I even put down a housing deposit at Loyola. I was sure that it was social work that I wanted to major in and keep film a hobby. Then I wasn't so sure. Then I was sure again. I ended up ultimately choosing to go to SCAD for film, and I had convinced myself up until a few days ago that I had made the right decision. Now, I recognize that I'd just been trying to tell myself I made the right choice the whole time.

I've struggled with decisions for as long as I can remember. I've needed help and approval on all of my decisions not only from the person overseeing whatever I'm making a decision on, but from my parents, my best friends, my therapists, my advisors and counselors, my piano teachers, and the girl next to me on the bus. It's time for that to change. I need my own approval on the decisions I am making and that is it. So many of my friends trust me for advice, and it now seems obvious that I should be able to trust myself to make the right choice.

Really, I think I've known that I wasn't on the right track for a while. The reason I was so hesitant to make such a seemingly permanent choice is because I knew that I'd change my mind, I knew that it wasn't really what I wanted. I have always been so fixated on making the important people in my life proud that I haven't taken enough time to ask if it's what I really wanted. I got such a great response from everyone when I told them that I was going to school in Savannah for film, and it was that response that I wanted. I wanted to make people proud, (and still do) but now I am realizing that what I want in life is more important than pleasing everyone around me. I keep telling myself that the people who truly matter will support me on whatever path I choose... it's just a matter of believing that statement now.

What I'd Been Waiting For

This quarter, I finally got a seat in the FILM100 class that I'd been anxiously and impatiently awaiting since I started here. All of the other film majors I knew had taken it during Fall or Winter quarter and I was really frustrated with the fact that I might not even get one this quarter. But I did! And I was overjoyed. FINALLY, I could get this prerequisite out of the way and open the door that led to all the other film classes in the department. On Monday, the 26 of March at 11:00 am, I took my seat in the small, artificially lit computer lab and waited for class to start. I was uncomfortable and I felt extremely out of my element. To introduce ourselves, our professor had us stand, say our name, favorite movie, and what part of film production interested us most. Zach liked anything by Edgar Wright and wanted to edit. Dakota liked Interstellar and wanted to do cinematography. Jordan liked Forrest Gump and wanted to be a location scout. Then Perri stood up, announced that she liked The Departed and that she had no idea what she wanted to do. That turned some heads. The professor was even at a bit of a loss for words. "You are a film major, right? You're in the right place?" I sat through the class that day trying to convince myself that I was in the right place. This feeling that I had was something that would pass. I'd get into the swing of things once our projects started. But by the second class, I knew. That was not where I was supposed to be.

Blind Turn

Taken a few days before the official major change. I decided moments before the picture that I was just going to drop out and hit the road with my new home on wheels. Then realized it wasn't mine.

A few days ago, I was making a mental plan to transfer out of SCAD and go somewhere that I could choose a path that was less cut and dry. I was sure of a few things: I love traveling, I love writing. I love taking pictures and filming video. I love creating things. I love documenting things and showing them. I love psychology and I love helping people. I love food and I love working with children and I love being outside. On the other hand, I do not love making 3D structures out of spaghetti, drawing still lifes, or just being an easily replaced person on a set. I do not like having to follow other people's ideas or instructions or rules, and I don't have to. 

I dropped my film course in the middle of the second class. Luckily, there was one seat left in the intro to photography prereq, so I picked that up in its place. It's definitely too easy for me, but it will get me going in the right direction I think. 

I still don't know exactly which path to choose, and now I kind of feel like I'm back in the same situation that I  had been so familiar with in high school: half of the adults tell me that it's okay that I don't know exactly what I want to do, because you have time and you have so much to learn and I'm sure you'll find something you love! The other half is telling me that I need to have a plan and start now to work for it and anyone who doesn't isn't worth my time. But now I know that what they're saying doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. What matters is what I want to do, and those who will support me in doing whatever that is.

The game plan as of now is to change my major to writing and keep my photography minor. The introvert in me (aka 88% of myself) needs a job in which I don't have to depend on other people to get work done. I need independence and I need to make my own choices. I'm pretty much a grown up now, and that's kind of what grown-ups do.

My Choice

I'll leave you with this story... In my communications class, our first assignment was to get up in front of the class and give a 30-60 second impromptu speech about our favorite quote/saying/mantra. The one that stood out to me was "No Gods, No Masters, No Bedtimes". The girl who said it explained that she used to struggle a lot with knowing just what she should do in any given situation where it was necessary for her to make a decision. When she heard this quote, she had a realization: she's in charge of her life now and it doesn't matter what anyone else wants. She's in control of her life, she's in control of her decisions, and she's in control of her bedtime. And now I know that I am too.

I love you!!!!! Thank you for reading!!!!

moments

*This was originally written several months ago (early November 2017). It was posted on my former blog and I am reposting on here because that site is no longer up.

We take life for granted every single day. We are so concerned with everything else that we pay no attention to the moments that play out right in front of our eyes. These moments are fleeting. They come and go so fast, full of unfulfilled potential. It is kind of sad that we do not even consider this potential. Something amazing could be happening in every single moment that passes us by. Our moments seem so infinite when we are not concerned about using them, when in fact they are so limited. I believe that we should start living with that in mind. We don't have any moments to waste on a worry that our hair looks good. We don't have a moment to spend being upset with someone else. We don't even think about it, but it is entirely possible, (though unlikely for most of us, but still possible) that any of these single moments could be our last. Or the last of a companion, an acquaintance, or a stranger... and this last moment could come at the most expected time. Of course, we all recognize this possibility; we simply do not dwell on it. To dwell on the fact that any moment could be our last would be unhealthy. To think about death constantly would be morbid... but that's not to say that it isn't something that we should recognize.

I am not proposing that we live each moment like it is our last. That would lead to plenty of bad decisions that we would most likely still be around to suffer consequences of. I simply propose that we consciously try to recognize, and when possible, fulfill the potential that lives in each moment. We could make such an impact.

Thoughts:

1. Use the time that you have with the people you love while you have it. It is limited. No matter how long it seems you may have.

2. Be productive.

3. Do what brings you joy.

4. Try to bring joy to others along the way.

5. Use each moment to your advantage... don't waste time.

An example of a moment I thought I had wasted:

     A few nights ago, someone was very excited to show me something that I was VERY uninterested in. It meant a lot to this person, and they wanted to share it with me in particular. At the time, I didn't recognize that this in and of itself is a flattering gesture. At the time, I was just annoyed. I could think of a million other things I'd rather be doing. However, in retrospect, even if I didn't enjoy the fifteen minutes of time that this individual took to share something they enjoyed with me, something good did come from me sitting down and listening intently. It made this person happy. They were so excited to share something that they found really interesting and entertaining with me, and it made them feel validated when I paid attention and gave feedback on what I thought of it all. Despite this not being a top priority for how I spend my time, a good thing did come from it. I made someone happy. I made them feel that their opinions mattered. (And whether their opinions mean anything to me or not is irrelevant; it is more about people wanting to feel validated. giving them that is a special thing.) Those fifteen minutes were not a waste of time after all.

Is anything really a waste of time then? Couldn't there be a silver lining to everything?

I can answer that as well: yes, there are things that are a waste of time. Things that ruin moments are a waste of time. Negativity. Cruelty. Hatred. If nothing positive comes from it, it is a waste of time. There's not enough time to be living contently through sub-par moments. We deserve so much more.

We deserve happiness, and so does everyone around us.

Note: In the past week or so, there have been two deaths of people who I didn't know personally but were people that I was familiar with. Despite me never talking to or knowing them, they really made me stop and think. These were both nineteen-year-olds. Their lives were filled with so much potential. And now, just like that, it is gone. I know for a fact if these were people that I was well acquainted with, even if their deaths had nothing to do with me whatsoever, I would still feel part of the blame. I would feel like I could've made their lives just a little better. Like I could've taken an extra step to be just a little nicer. (I am not referring to suicides because that's not what this was) I just think that there's never an excuse to not be kind to people. Because you never know if the last thing you said to them will really be the last thing you ever do say to them. And again: do not dwell on this. Do not worry constantly that you have to be a perfect person all the time because that is not realistic. Just do the best you can. I am going to try to.

*Coming back to today, the 30th of March, 2018, I'm going to add to this blog entry. I received three pieces of horrible news today and this mentality came back to me. I'm at a loss for words- all I can say is that we have to let our loved ones know how much we love them and let them know that we want them in our lives. For a long time. It is so scary how quickly we could become incapable of telling them that ever again. I will not live my life in fear that any words I say to someone would be my last words to them, but I do want to be more conscious of my words to others. We need no more anger in the world. I hope everyone is safe and taking care of themselves. I hope everyone is hugging those important to them.

games people play

In 1964, psychologist Eric Berne published a book titled Games People Play. In this book, Berne introduces a term called "transactional analysis." Put into simple terms, transactional analysis is a psychoanalytic theory (and method of therapy) that describes the way that people interact with each other. This theory describes the roles that people take on one while they interact with each other. People will generally take on one of three ego states: the adult, the parent, or the child. What position each person is in determines their behaviors and words, as well as the "game" they are playing. I'll give some examples to put this into context, but first, some background.

It ended up being fine like my mom said it would be.

SCAD sucks at pleasing everyone during class registration for upcoming quarters. Last quarter, I had one of the latest registration times on the last day of registration. Because of this, I didn't get the classes I wanted and instead was put into two design classes (3D design and color theory) and a psychology class. I was pretty pissed that I was unable to get into a film class (and by pissed I mean absolutely frantic, in a constant state of panic and tears for 12 hours, coming to the conclusion that I'd have to drop out because I'd never get the classes I need to graduate and keep getting stuck in random electives like psychology) and so I got placed in Psych 101 to fill my schedule with something. Luckily it counted as a general elective, and luckily I really enjoy studying psychology. Eric Berne and his theory of transactional analysis is something we learned about a few weeks ago, and already, I have experienced multiple real-life events in which Berne's observations of human behavior have come into play. 

That being said, knowing about Eric Berne and his research has already been very beneficial. I'm now able to identify what's happening in these moments of transactional analysis. As we all know, identifying a problem is the first step towards solving it. Hopefully, anyone reading this will find it helpful as well.

Child vs. Parent

Back to last quarter when I had my all day anxiety attack about picking classes and not getting the ones that I thought I needed to get into (right now immediately). I was on the phone with my mom multiple times that day, seeking for her (or anyone) to just validate my frustration and tell me that they were irritated with the stupid registration system too. But, validation is not what she gave me. Instead, she gave me advice, suggestions, and reassurance that it would all work out. Looking back, this seems like a really good response! Offering advice on what to do as well as trying to make me understand that delaying my intro level film class by just one more quarter wouldn't cause me to have to drop out was a good response to my complaints and obnoxious anxiety level. However, it wasn't what I was (subconsciously) seeking. I just wanted someone to get angry at the stupid way we register for classes here, and I wanted someone to say how shitty it was that I was going to have to wait (again) to get the classes I wanted. 

In this situation, my complaints and perceived helplessness pushed my mom into the ego state of the parent (not just because she's my mom) and her reaction to my complaints pushed me into the role of the child (and not just because I'm her daughter). 

People are pushed into these roles all the time in ordinary conversation. In the case of this scenario, my mom heard my problems and how helpless I sounded (characteristics of a child- needing help, complaining, having meltdowns, etc.) and she subconsciously moved into the parent role (as most people would, even if they are not a parent) and began trying to help me solve the problem. Unfortunately, most children are not mature enough to see that there are logical answers to problems and ways to solve them without having a meltdown, and neither was I at that moment. What I was really seeking was validation of my feelings. 

This was a pretty standard situation displaying the roles of the child and parent. Yet this is not always how these kinds of interactions play out. Occasionally, the child ego will manifest not as helplessness, but instead as socially unacceptable behavior or overly obnoxious and inappropriate words or actions. This kind of childlike behavior would pull out another side of the parent role as well; instead of a nurturing parent role that wants to help, the parent role in this situation would be critical and bossy. 

Eighth grade at a baseball game in the rain. 

Parent Since Childhood

When I was in middle school, I was often told by adults how mature I was for my age. This was clearly visible when I was out with large groups of friends. I distinctly remember how stressed I'd get before going to the mall with my friends (a common excursion for our large group of twelve-year-olds). I hated going not only because of my introverted nature, but also because of how unbelievably embarrassing a lot of them would be. They'd run around in stores, hide in clothing racks, and laugh uncontrollably at each other's immature stunts, attracting the attention of not only nearby shoppers, but also of the store employees. When they realized they had caught the eye of the clerks, they'd often giggle and whisper amongst themselves and then scurry out of the store. This was always so frustrating to me. I would constantly be the one telling them to stop being so loud, stop being so rude, stop getting in peoples way, put that back down where you found it, stop pushing each other... a dialogue that I'm sure real parents are all too familiar with while shopping with their kids. That was me with my friend group. And they didn't like being told what to do by me, just like kids don't like being told what to do by their parents. In this case, though, it was even more annoying to them, because I just came off as a bossy friend who realistically had no authority over them. That's probably why I stopped getting invited to the mall trips. And birthday parties. And trips to the Dells. It's fine. I'm over it.

Getting to the Adult Ego State

Sometimes, these egos go head to head in child-child interactions or parent-parent interactions. This isn't a bad thing though– this is how issues begin to get resolved. A hypothetical example: I was supposed to do a bunch of homework on a Sunday night I didn't get it done. My mom would likely say something along the lines of "you were supposed to do all this homework over the weekend! You're so lazy and irresponsible!" (not really, this is just hypothetical) This would put her in the critical parent position despite the fact that this was never really her concern. That would likely make me frustrated, and I would also move into the parent position, coming back at her with "You don't need to be so critical of me. I have time tonight to do it, and even if I don't, that's not your concern." In theory, she'd then realize that it wasn't really her place and apologize, moving into the mature and logical adult ego. I would then follow.

Mind Games

There are several common "mind games" identified by Berne that people play while taking on these ego states. Berne's idea behind identifying these common interactions as games it to be able to declare a "winner"– the person who reaches the adult state first. These games define several possible scenarios that people play out while stuck in a particular ego state.

The most prevalent mind game in my life is the "Why Don't You– Yes, But" game. This sort of game occurs when someone comes to you complaining about a certain problem they're having (placing them in the helpless child ego state) and you feel as if you have solutions or advice to offer (placing you in the parent ego state) They then have a reason as to why every single one of your solutions is flawed. This can be incredibly frustrating as the 'parent' because it seems that all the child wants is pity rather than not real solutions. It seems to you that this person wants to be miserable and not take any responsibility to solve the issue at hand.   This also happens to be something that I deal with a lot in college as my peers learn that being independent can suck but it's gonna have to happen eventually. At some point, you gotta leave the nest.

College is a funny thing. Growing up, I was always told that cliques and exclusive friend groups would dissolve, people would be more mature, and I wouldn't have to deal with a stupid social pyramid. While it's true that I personally can choose to avoid these things, they still very much do exist in college. My interactions with emotionally immature people have led me into the parent role time and time again, each time more frustrating than the last. However, psychology class has taught me to be able to recognize when these games are being played. In recognizing the game, hopefully I'll be able to end it. And that's what college is all about, right? Learning how to be an adult? I think I'm on my way. 

february was normal.

It felt as if January dragged on forever, finally coming to a close after a long and strenuous expanse of busy weeks. Then, we moved into February with eagerness to begin a new month and start fresh in the wake of the prior 31 days that had felt like forever. Then, February flew by. And I don't think that it had much to do with the fact that February was a mere three days shorter than its predecessor this year.

February was an exceptionally ordinary month for me, but only according to my new and updated definition of normal. Normal now has a very different meaning than it did six months ago. Everything is so different but it all feels so ordinary now. This is pretty bizarre for someone who doesn't do super well with big changes.

Devyn under the magnolia tree at Forsyth park.

Normal used to mean waking up and feeling well rested. Making breakfast, like, really cooking, and getting in my car and singing my heart out on the way to school. Normal used to mean eating lunch with my friends and sometimes heading in a little early from lunch to chat with my fifth-hour teacher before class started. Normal used to mean trying to leave my last period early to avoid the flood of cars in the parking lot, but always getting stuck anyway because I had to wait for my little brother to get out of class. Normal used to mean stopping at the coop and grabbing some food from the hot bar and a pumpkin cookie before heading to the night shift at work. Normal used to mean talking to my mom when I got home from work while she was cooking dinner, and normal used to mean being able to get away with not doing homework outside of class and having some free time before bed to watch a movie or even get to bed at a decent hour.

Now, normal has a completely different meaning. Normal now means tee shirts in the winter. This month, the city had an average high of 72 degrees. It did end up getting to 86 degrees towards the end of the month which was certainly not something I would have expected had I still been used to Madison weather. However, 72 felt quite nice and I didn't think much about it until I was on the phone with my family comparing my 72 to their 32. Thinking about it now, I wonder how I didn't go crazy in Madison over the course of my first 18.5 years. The warmth here has allowed me to create new normals, such as walking to Forsyth park on Sundays with my roommates to hang out in the hammock, do amateur yoga on our blankets, or shoot impromptu portraits with the blooming magnolia trees. Our walks to the park also allow us to get our weekly dose of cute dogs. (Seriously, so many!!! Savannah is so dog-friendly!)

Normal also now means caffeine for breakfast. A lot of caffeine. Living with three other (very enthusiastic) girls being the only one who has to wake up at approximately 6 am four days a week can be a challenge. This is where I become very thankful for my good friend the iced vanilla almond milk latte. (Iced soy chai is also a close friend of mine.) Getting out of bed in the morning after being kept awake far after my bedtime, (whether it be due to philosophical conversations or the simple sounds of living such as closing drawers or washing dishes) can be quite a challenge and I regret to inform you that it sometimes does not happen on time. Therefore, my breakfast becomes a coffee and a Cool Mint Chocolate Clif Bar (which also contains about as much caffeine as a half drank cup of coffee would). Before you go all you-need-a-balanced-breakfast-to-focus-in-class on me, please note that my grades are good, I am happy and healthy, and that this is all part of me transitioning into the independent/learning how to be an adult stage of my life. (In other words, I probably will be stubborn and not listen to you if you tell me to eat better breakfasts. Let me make these amateur adulthood mistakes on my own. I'll figure it out.) 

Normal now means waiting for the bus for so long that I just decide it'd be quicker to walk. I really do enjoy the walk back from Arnold hall to my dorm; it takes me past several of my favorite coffee shops and through my favorite park. I always see plenty of happy people walking their dogs and the same group of moms participating in a cardio group while all their toddlers watch them from the comfort of their strollers. I always enjoy the fresh air and breeze, and I always get mildly grossed out by the sweat that accumulates in my tee shirts below the straps of my backpack. And I sometimes (wish I could say always on this one) even stop to grab a vegan donut from Henny Penny. My mind is always cleared by the nearly two-mile walk after class. Speaking of walking...

Normal is walking! Not to infer that I sat around all day for my first 18 years, but in Madison I lived in a suburb where the nearest establishment was a 20 minute walk from my house and it happened to be somewhere that I really didn't ever have the desire to go: a bar and grill at our neighborhood's golf course clubhouse. Not to mention that back at home, I had a car. I didn't have to walk anywhere, and quite frankly, I never wanted to. Coming to Savannah where everything was so close and not having any means of transportation but the crowded buses or my own two feet should have been a huge and difficult adjustment, but it just wasn't. I find myself going on walks purely for enjoyment now even if I don't have somewhere to be or something to do. It's so nice and refreshing to be outside in such a beautiful place.

Finally, normal is being happy. I don't want to make it sound like I was never happy at home, or that I'm always happy here, because neither of those assertions would be true. The change is that my happiness here is more spontaneous. I don't have to do things to try to be happy. I am just happy because of the things that I do. I think that is a really fulfilling way to live. I worry less about maintaining a balance because I enjoy the things that I want to do as well as the things that I have to do. I spend more time enjoying what I'm doing because I'm doing more of what I enjoy. I have so much more time that is dictated by me rather than by a law saying that I have to go to school for 7.5 hours a day. And that is so refreshing. It is new, but it feels normal. And I guess that is all I can ask for.

twenty two things that i learned in high school

twenty two things 

that i learned in high school

For me, high school wasn't like it is for the any student in the stereotypical teen movie. My high school experience didn't look like that of the most popular girl in school, like that of the loner who ate lunch with only a book every day, or like that of the nerd who spent his free time reading ACT text books. I wasn't any of those kids. I don't think any of us were. 

selfie w/ jmm after the bell rang on my last day of high school ever! this is where i told myself "i TOLD you that it would all be okay."

Realistically, high school is NOTHING like it appears in the movies. Not even like the school in The Edge of Seventeen (though an enjoyable movie, was unrealistic). However, there was one similarity between the past four years of my life and any movie, really: the storyline. The intro. Rising Action. Tension. Suspense. The part where you're really stressed out because you have no idea what's gonna happen just before the climax and then... there it is. Falling action. Maybe everything's gonna be alright. Everything is alright. I'm okay. I'm happy. 

My story was split pretty evenly into two parts: the first two years, and the last two years. I'll start from the beginning- freshman year SUCKED. I had no idea who I was. I was trying so hard to fit in and I was focused on all the wrong things. Sophomore year was worse, despite the fact that I thought nothing could get worse than freshman year. I was focused on the right things, but was TOO focused on them. Grades and my sport were all that mattered and having only that to work on every day was so unhealthy for me. By February of 2014, I was ready to leave school. I had looked up every form of alternative schooling that I could find. I could not take another month of school as it was. The thought of having to spend two more years in that building made me sick. 

I came around eventually, but only under the condition that I get first period and last period off every day for the whole year. And that, somehow, made everything work again. Junior year was when things really started looking up again.  I finally started learning the other half of what students are supposed to learn, but not taught, in high school. I've curated a few of the best lessons into a list that I've shared below in hopes that it will be helpful and instructive to those who may be seeking knowledge beyond academics in their high school years.

These twenty two lessons helped me tremendously. More so than learning how to solve polynomial equations ever will. (sorry Mr. Collins, but if it makes you feel any better, learning how to find the standard deviation of given data would be the twenty third lesson on this list if 23 had as nice of a ring as 22.) Here they are.

madie, me, and michael from switzerland. we liked michael.

1. take a lot of photographs

It literally does not matter at all what you take pictures of. Just take them. As many as your phone storage will allow. And then back those up and take more. This is one of my biggest regrets. I took so many pictures over the past four years, and somehow, I still long to go back and look at more once I've shuffled through them all. It can evoke such strong emotions to go back and look at pictures, whether it's in 10 months or 10 years. Even just now, looking through my hard drive to find photos for this post, I found myself mindlessly smiling at my laptop screen as I shuffled through all the memories I'd made at such a volatile time in my life. It makes me remember that not everything about sophomore year was bad... for example, the day we took the photo to the left.

2. and, take a lot of videos

This one may be more specific to me, as I love creating and watching videos. I feel really lucky to have been a part of my school's video news team because that makes up a bit for the lack of videos i should've just taken for fun over the oh so very fleeting years. I made four vlogs in the last few months of my senior year, and they still make me smile to watch today. Not to mention, they were SO much fun to make! Obviously, full vlogs aren't realistic for everyone... but think of it in this way: how much fun is it to go back and look over your snapchat memories?! That feeling is the reason why we should all be taking more videos. 

3. don't fake it... unless it's confidence

I spent so much time focused on the wrong things! Trying to be someone you're not just to fit in will never be worth it. You should want people to like you for you, instead of the person that you pretending to be to get that approval. High school is a huge time of growth, and so it's natural that you might start to recognize the person you want to be- go ahead and try to be that person! I didn't start thinking about the person that really WANTED to be until I started thinking about college and what I wanted to do. That was a huge shift for me. Going from trying to be more like this huge friend group of girls that I had, forcing myself to go to football games dressed in beach fiesta apparel or get together in huge, unproductive study groups before finals, to staying home and studying alone because thats what I wanted to do- that was a huge shift and even bigger catalyst for person growth. Personal development is an awesome thing and if you think you can start doing something differently (being 10% more positive or smiling at people more often, for example), go ahead and do that. That's you trying to be a better person. On the other hand, if you're changing your behaviors, opinions, style, etc. just to fit in, just know that you don't have to do that. Ever. And you shouldn't! Everyone should get to be their best selves unapologetically. Just don't fake it. (Unless it's confidence. Act confident and confidence will come. It takes practice. I'm still working on that one.)

4. push yourself in the direction you want to go

What a cliché, but it's never too early to start exploring what interests you. I was like six when I first got my hands on a camera (it was a disposable one from walgreens that i got in my christmas stocking) and around that same age when my dad first let me do the recording on our little tape recording JVC camcorder. From that point on, the idea of being a photographer or videographer stayed in the back of my mind. It was the only thing that stuck through all my dreams of crazy jobs (fashion designer, therapist, private investigator, theme park ride operator, firefighter to "help blow out fires", wedding planner, or "a planet"- three year old Perri's dream job.) By sixth grade I had already created an Etsy page and business email to sell my photo cards with original prints and participated in the Middleton Good Neighbor Fest art fair. From that point, my dream job changed about ten more times, but I ended up right back in the same place. It's not too early to start getting into what you want to do. Join HOSA. Math team. School newspaper. Creative writing club. Whatever you want. Why not?

me before a home volleyball game. i would frequently dismiss myself to the locker room minutes before the game to calm myself down and prevent on-court panic attacks. 

5. explore your options and opportunities

All of that being said in the past lesson, this one should be evident! High school offers so many opportunities, and for free!!! By simply attending a public school, you can learn a foreign language, learn an instrument, learn how to act in a musical, learn how to sculpt clay, or learn how to plan financially. It is amazing how much you have access to if you just ask. Teachers and social workers and counselors and principals and secretaries are so willing and happy to help students meet their goals. That's another one of the things I wish I would've been better at in high school. Taking advantage of all the opportunities that I now have to pay for.

6. plan everything

my planner on the week of december 10th and january 28th

This is where people stop reading. Why do some people hate planning so much?! I was there too at one point, but once I figured out how beneficial it can be, it changed my life. Plan your assignments, tasks, events... stay organized! Organization is KEY to productivity. The sooner you figure this out, the easier your life will be. I stay organized now using a passion planner. (Thanks TPF for introducing me!) It holds my life together. 

7. but, live in the now

Coincidentally, another thing that holds my life together is mindfulness. I started practicing mindfulness a few months into junior year, and that just so happened to be the time that I started feeling a lot better in every way. Less stressed, happier, calmer, more focused. Training your brain to stop dwelling in the past and stop stressing about the future is so good for your mental health. It makes you a more grounded, attentive person. You pay such greater attention to everything going on around you and you have an incredibly clearer mind by living in the now. Not to mention, being a dweller or anxious wreck can really ruin any fun event you have going on.

top: what i considered my friend group freshman year.            bottom: what i considered my friend group senior year.

8. your friend group will narrow; let it

This by no means should be interpreted as "burn bridges" or "cut people out of your life" (unless they're toxic. then it's okay. sometimes you need to come first). This simply means that you can't be everyone's best friend all the time. That would be a lot of pressure. People will get closer with those who they gravitate towards, and that's fine! Let it happen. I have three best friends now and they are better friends to me than I could ever even hope to ask for. And, I have a much better time hanging out with them than I do with big parties of people. (That's partly an introvert thing but) You'll probably find those few people too if you allow yourself to grow apart and together with people naturally.

9. write things down

This goes hand in hand with taking pictures. It's another great way to remember your best (or worst) days. And if they do happen to be your worst days, then it's the best free therapy I've found. Writing can take a while to get used to, but once you just START and stop worrying so much about where to start, writing can be so beneficial. But don't just keep a journal; write lots of stuff! Write letters to family who don't live in your state. Write notes to your friends. Write down quotes you like and make lists of things that you want to try. Write down your goals for today, tomorrow, this year, and this life. Since sixth grade, I've filled four journals, cover to cover. They know all my secrets. All my regrets. All my crushes and all the people I am not so fond of. They know my best feelings, and my worst. Seriously. Journaling changed my life. (and my twitter followers' lives... remember those days that I used to use Twitter as a diary? Don't be that person)

10. don't sweat the small stuff- really

Very close to nothing that worries you in high school will still worry you five years or two years or six weeks later. Got a C on your french test? Oh well, study harder next time. Ran into the wall while trying to back your car out of the garage? Shit happens. Tripped and fell while literally walking across the stage to get your high school diploma? Hey, at least it'll make a good story! Laugh off what you can, and brush off the stuff that you don't feel like laughing about. High school drama means less than nothing. Of the minute amount of drama I was involved in, I remember none of what it was actually about. It just didn't matter. I was pretty good at staying out of it in high school, which saved me so much time and stress. However, I didn't do a great job not worrying about the little things like when I literally caught the volleyball during a game instead of passing it, or the time that I got into one of those awkward ~I'll go this way-you go this way-I go that way-you go that way~ hallway moments, or the time that I bit it on the sheet of ice covering the sidewalk as I was walking out to the bus with a million other students. And now, thinking back, I'm laughing.

11. be honest

Honesty IS the best policy! This one is kind of a given; we've all been told to tell the truth since our childhood. And that is good advice! Once people realize that you are a trustworthy, honest person, they'll respect you and your opinion so much more. People value honesty. It is a great trait to have, and a great habit to get into. And that way, if you somehow are sucked into some drama (or if your sophomore year math teacher wrongly accuses you of cheating on a test the day before your birthday and ruins your birthday weekend because of how stressed you are because you literally did not cheat on that test I don't know what else I can even do to prove it I promi- oh, you believe me? thank you!!!*) you'll have an easy out.

some (!!! there are more) of the most influential teachers i ever had

12. be friends with your teachers

I can't stress this one enough. These are some of the smartest, most genuine, kindest, caring people you'll ever encounter. These are people who will teach you not only the content of the class, but they'll also teach you most of these lessons without even trying to. I feel so lucky to have ended up in the classes of the teachers that I did in high school (and even just to have known some that I never took a class from, I'm talking about you Mr. O). My high school teachers are the reason I am where I am today. They are the reason I am who I am today. They have been one of, if not the biggest influence of my life (next to my parents of course) and there is seriously just no way that I'll ever be able to properly put into words my gratitude for them. These are not people to forget about after high school. These are people who you'll want to get lunch with even ten years after graduation to catch up with. We have so much to learn from our teachers! So much more than what's in the textbooks! (Not to mention, if you get on your teacher's good side... your 87% final grade may just turn into an A on the report card...)

my photo on the 2016-2017 yearbook staff page. i was the editor of photography and videography. between that and co-lead producer of spartan video news, i don't think that camera strap left my neck for 90% of the year.

13. do what you love

Please note that this is not me telling you to skip your homework. Homework is important... but doing what you love is what will keep you sane enough to sit down and figure out the fifty cosine problems due tomorrow by first hour. Balance is key to happiness. If you can figure out how to balance your schoolwork, your job (if you have one, which I would recommend), your social time, and your alone/recharge time, you have just done something that I'm not sure anyone on earth has ever succeeded 100% in. Congratulations. If you don't quite figure it out, just do what I do and keep trying. I was a junior when I was finally told that it was okay if I needed to say no to picking up a shift at work because I need some downtime, or say no to taking over someone else's responsibilities in a group project so that I can have dinner with my visiting relatives. Make sure you're getting that time you need to kick the soccer ball around, or to bang on the drums for a few hours, or to finish the painting you started last summer and never got around to once school started up again. Even if it's just a few episodes of the office, that is still valid. I can tell you from experience, that show has helped me not go crazy for the past two quarters in college. It's all about balance. (Hack: love your job and then you won't even need to worry so much about balance because you'll always be doing what you love) 

14. get excited

Freshman and sophomore year, as I'm sure you understand by now, were not the best years of my life. It wasn't uncommon that my 6:00 am alarm clock would wake me up and remind me of how much I hated the 10 hour routine that was to come. It would set an awful mood for the day and I'd start all of my mornings dragging my feet and letting the ball of dread feel heavy in my stomach. Sometime near the beginning of junior year, (in the midst of that time in the first few weeks when it's still exciting to go to school because there's not much homework and you're seeing all your friends again), I made the decision that I wasn't going to let that excited-for-school feeling fade. I began picking something each day that I looked forward to doing, seeing, listening to, eating, going to, etc. and from there on out, my whole perspective changed. Getting excited about something didn't allow me to start my day dreading what school was going to bring. I knew what it was going to bring, and I was excited about it! (I also got into the habit of frequently changing my alarm tone so not to forever ruin any of the alarm sounds or songs I used.) This isn't something i solely apply when I'm going to school; I also use this with work, social events (introverted af), or even on days that I have no events going on and I can do whatever I want. (In which cases I probably wouldn't be waking up grumpy in the first place) 

15. save money

PACK A LUNCH!!! This was one of the biggest expenses for me in high school. At the time, I did not recognize how much more I could've been saving because I had a steady job and even if I went out to lunch a few times a week, at the end of the month, my bank account balance would still be greater than it was on my last statement. Then, I got to college, and my spending habits kicked. my. ass. I figured out firsthand that when you don't have a job, you can't spend money. (duh?!?!) But this was a hard lesson for me! I'm grateful that I did start saving money in high school though, even if I could've done a lot better job. I have friends here who didn't save any money in high school and they're paying for it as well. This lesson, though I was introduced to it in high school, is one that i'm still learning.

2016-2017 lead spartan news producers. also some of my best frens

16.  recognize your gratitude

I started tracking the things that I am grateful for sometime junior year and that was something that changed my outlook as well. Putting what you are grateful for into writing can really help put things into perspective when you're feeling down. For me, it wasn't always big stuff like "my family is supportive" or "I have my own car". Most days, it was little things, like "ibuprofen", "cold brew coffee", or "the piano at my grandma and grandpa's house that has the one key that doesn't work but I love it anyway because it's kept me entertained for many hours over the past winter break trips to grandma and grandpa's". Taking note of these little things that I'm grateful and just taking 30 seconds a day to reflect on them makes me about 5% happier in general. I'd say that's totally worth it for a mere thirty seconds.

me and my (junior year) therapist. her name was kat, she was great

17. ask for help

I have no idea why it took me so long to learn this lesson. We've been told since what, kindergarten, to ask for help when we need it? I was always nervous to ask my teachers for help and afraid I'd look stupid in front of my peers if I didn't understand something the first time... so I stayed quiet. Sophomore year was the year that I really started to struggle in math, and I had a deal with my dad that all A's all year (and the previous two years) would grant me a car when I got my license, so you know I had to do SOMETHING to guarantee that A grade in geometry. (It wasn't even honors geometry either) so i swallowed my pride and started raising my hand in class. It was so, SO awkward at first, because that class was one of those quiet, uncomfortable classes where no one really talks to each other except the one group of girls who were always kinda rude to the teacher. So when I started raising my hand halfway through the semester after 9 weeks of no questions, you know I got some weird looks. I got used to it super quickly and from there on out became that girl- the one who is always going to talk to her teacher after class, going in to extra help sessions, raising her hand six million times per period or simply blurting out, "wait- can you explain that again?" and that A grade in geometry was worth all the eye rolls my incessant questioning prompted. Junior year, I asked for a different kind of help (that had been needed for probably way longer than math help). I started seeing a therapist whom I credit with helping me identify, absorb, and apply most of these lessons I was unaware that I learned in high school to my life. Before I started therapy, I was one of those people who thought only suicidal people or crazy people went to therapy, and holy cats was my perception skewed. Therapy is AMAZING. For everyone! You learn so much about yourself and about how to think and act and control your own thoughts. This isn't stuff they teach you in school! This is stuff everyone is expected to know... some people just have the courage to suck it up and ask for some help to learn it. I'm so glad I was one of those people.

18. be considerate and empathetic

Empathy, in my opinion, is the most important quality a human can have. And so many people lack it. And so many high schoolers lack consideration for others! Here are some easy things other people could've done for me/to me in high school to be considerate but didn't: let me into the line of cars at the end of the day when the flood of students are trying to get home as quickly as possible, picked up my pencil that i literally dropped directly under their desk, not asked me what my grade was when our geometry tests were returned and my face expressed clear frustration, not tried to make me upset by talking about how much they love meat and how they'd kill an animal themselves to eat it (like are you serious), or smiling back at me in the hall instead of quickly turning their head and pretending they didn't see me. I know you saw me. I was just being friendly!!! Of course, empathy can go a lot deeper than that as well: I learned that checking in with people just to see how they're doing and listening, not just sitting and scrolling through Instagram while someone talks at me about their problems, but REALLY listening and engaging and looking someone in the eyes who is having a hard time can be such a good thing. We all have the power to help people by simply doing that. It's really a matter of treating others how you want to be treated. Oldest rule in the book. Harder than it seems for most people, I guess. I'm glad this is something I learned to be better at in high school.

a pic of mom and dad i took when we were dorm shopping at ikea. we were having so much fun! (i'm kidding. we were all so grumpy but look at these troopers. dealt with me for 19 years and counting!)

19. appreciate your parents (and friends and teachers)

me sitting on said car for the "best car" senior superlative picture. i'd like to thank my mom, my fans, and my dad for buying the car

And to think there was a time that I didn't even consider all that my parents did for me. My mom and dad have done so, SO much for me. For some reason, I failed to recognize this until sophomore year when my dad bought (what he called) my car. (I think the fact that he bought me a car at 16 was just a cover up for him to do that midlife crisis thing where dads buy sports cars. Convenient timing, don't you think? Still- I'm not complaining.) My dad has always been so beyond supportive of the fact that I wanted to do art. He started telling me in late high school that he was proud of me (or maybe that's just when i started remembering it) and that is something that is really comforting to hear, especially knowing that so many parents are not willing to accept that their kids want to go to art school... much less pay for it. My dad has worked so hard since I was born in order to support us financially and allow me to go to such a great school. It means even more to me now that I know how much it sucks to actually have to go to work when you just aren't feeling it... My mom, on the other hand, had to deal more with my attitude. I think back to how I used to be and just feel so bad that she had to deal with such a little brat sometimes. If I were my mom, I'd hate me. (ok maybe not but really I don't know HOW she dealt with middle school Perri) but, like my dad, and the rest of my family, and my teachers, and friends, and piano teacher, and coaches, she supported me in whatever I did and has always been the first person I go to with my worries or frustrations or when i'm in such a good mood and i just need to tell someone why. I have such awesome parents and have had such awesome teachers and friends. Sometimes I don't think I made it known enough how much I did and DO appreciate them. (Now I know to just tell them sometimes.)

i was obsessed with flatlays my junior year. i was also obsessed with quotes by old authors and metallic pens and candles and the idea that if i didn't get into a really good school my life would be ruined.

20. keep your grades up, but don't stress

Grades seemed like the most important thing in the world to me for the first two years of high school. And don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did so well my freshman and sophomore year; however, it was at a cost. My mental health those first two years was in the toilet. Junior year, I slacked off (as you read above- only taking 5/7 classes per day and only 3 academic classes per semester). BUT, I still managed to make A's and B's, and I was significantly less stressed. Once I figured out that there was so much more to life than grades, such as relationships with your teachers, application of the content, enjoying the learning, and absorbing the non academic lessons from whatever class I was in, school was a much happier place for me. Also when I realized that getting a single B didn't equate not getting into college and then having to work at Woodman's for my entire life and then not making enough money to support a family and then never marrying in fears of not being able to support a family and then dying alone probably in the Woodman's break room. 

21. be kind to everyone

Kindness is free. Kindness can only have positive impacts. There is absolutely no reason not to be kind to people. Imagine if everyone treated everyone with kindness. What a world! Freshman year, I was a MAJOR subtweeter. (So immature, I know) And it did bite me in the butt a few times... One day I just kind of woke up and realized that all the negative energy that I was using to tweet about people I was annoyed with was the biggest waste of my time ever. And not only that, but so mean! So unnecessary! I made myself a promise that I would stop doing things to people that made them want to subtweet me, and that I would stop being so mean myself. If you're kind to everyone, and you're genuine about it, I promise that you will be much more liked, and much happier yourself.

me asking a boy that i thought was cute if i could take a picture with him at a wedding i went to in st. louis. thanks mom for capturing that moment and thanks mildly-under-the-influence perri for having courage to ask for what you want even if the courage was fake.

22. ask for what you want

For my whole life, I'd been hearing "if you don't ask, the answer will always be no!" This didn't really strike me until sometime in high school. It is incredible what simply asking for what you want can do. I used to be so scared of asking for things from people because I didn't want to come off as rude, or annoying, or lazy, or a burden. But once I realized that people usually like to help, everything got so much easier. Prom asking the student who had sat next to me for six weeks, "hey, can you pass me that eraser?", to asking teachers, "can I come in tomorrow before school for some help on the homework?", to asking complete strangers, "excuse me, can i take a portrait of you for a project I'm working on?" if I told freshman Perri that she'd be doing that kind of stuff by the end of high school I think she'd go into a full blown panic attack in a matter of seconds. But getting over that fear of rejection was one of the most productive things I ever did.

austin, texas. december 2016.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, are the twenty two most important and valued lessons I learned in high school. A last thought: if you helped me in any way at all learn these lessons (so if you were in my life at all during high school), thank you. I love you. 

perri jaye moran

*for the record, I did not cheat on that math test